When Srečko's wife of over 15 years divorced him and left with two young children. His Nadica was his high school sweet heart and the love of his life. Then thing fell apart, she didn't want him anymore.
For Srečko, getting up every morning to do normal routine got tougher and tougher. Every step got heavier and unbearable, till there was no more power to blink an eyelid. Nadica and their beautiful daughters of 3 and 7 years old were the love of his life. Nothing has changed about his feelings for his wife, she was his "forever" and moving on is the last thing on his mind. But he has lost hope in the most literal sense because his wife name Nadica means "hope".The pain of loss became overwhelming. He is going through a natural response to loss-grief.
A study on brain imaging show that the brain activity of a recently heartbroken person is the same activity occurring in the brain area (ventral segmental) of cocaine addict obsessed with getting the next fix. The ventral segmental is associated with motivation, goal-oriented behavior, and the rewards systems responsible for the release of dopamine.
Dopamine is the feel good chemical that makes a person want more or whatever stimulus gave you the reward in the first place, i.e., nicotine, chocolate or loving touch of a partner. Dopamine cravings gives one motivation, encouraging them to take action towards getting whatever they need.
In the case of Srečko divorce, the need is his beloved wife and kids. His brain is in expectation of the reward (his partner's validation, acknowledgment, return of love, return to the former status quo of "happily ever after" moments" etc). But the break-up or divorce disrupts the reward system either by delaying it or it never really comes.
The neurons in Srečko's brain expects the same rewards he has been accustomed through out his marriage, neither does the cravings stop, even though he is conscious of the fact that his marriage is over. The neurons keeps him unconsciously in love and addicted to his ex-wife. During the withdrawal stage of separation, Srečko became obsessed with reminiscing about the good and bad times with his family. He started stalking Nadica on social media while resisting the urge to call or text her outside their divorce agreement.
Grief is the emotional suffering a person feels when something or someone one love is taken away. Grieving people often experience intense unbearable emotions ranging from shock or anger to disbelief, guilt, and extreme sadness and pain. Depression sets in.
Srečko taught about taking his life to end the emotional torture. There seem nothing to live for, but the thoughts of never seeing his daughters again haunted him. He soon became bed ridden and lost his health. His company eventually let him go because of long absence from work which was a huge financial loss for the private corporation.
The will fight back the tortuous pain left him, along with his lost his self-worth and self-confidence. The sound of romantic music and movies became traumatic triggers. Including seeing couples on the street holding hands and hearing the giggles of children. Srečko retreated into his shell in isolation from the rest of the world.
Getting through the healing process is also personal. Some individuals begin to feel better within weeks or months and others may take years. Cases of individuals using unhealthy ways or taking up risky behaviors to cope is not uncommon. It involves indiscriminate sexual activity, hoarding, excessive shopping, alcohol or drug abuse and self-harming etc. The most extreme case of coping style is taking one's life through suicide.
Pain can make one put things into perspective. The feelings of helplessness makes you question everything you know about yourself, and the even question who you are, or what you think you were. As well what long-held believes and values , and what constitutes the truth. Maybe everything in your life has been a lie, probably because you ignored the obvious signs, the uncertainty and unsustainable situation. Self-blame and guilt engulfs your thoughts, with so many "what if" moments. The abnormality of previous risky behaviors becomes clearer but replacing it with more daring risky behaviors becomes the easy way out to escape the pains.
For Srečko, getting up every morning to do normal routine got tougher and tougher. Every step got heavier and unbearable, till there was no more power to blink an eyelid. Nadica and their beautiful daughters of 3 and 7 years old were the love of his life. Nothing has changed about his feelings for his wife, she was his "forever" and moving on is the last thing on his mind. But he has lost hope in the most literal sense because his wife name Nadica means "hope".The pain of loss became overwhelming. He is going through a natural response to loss-grief.
Five Stages of Grief
Kübler-Ross describes five stages of grieving as follows:- Denial: “This can’t be happening to me.”
- Anger: “Why is this happening? Who is to blame?”
- Bargaining: “Make this not happen, and in return I will ____.”
- Depression: “I’m too sad to do anything.”
- Acceptance: “I’m at peace with what happened.”
Brain Chemicals and Heartbreak
A study on brain imaging show that the brain activity of a recently heartbroken person is the same activity occurring in the brain area (ventral segmental) of cocaine addict obsessed with getting the next fix. The ventral segmental is associated with motivation, goal-oriented behavior, and the rewards systems responsible for the release of dopamine.
Dopamine is the feel good chemical that makes a person want more or whatever stimulus gave you the reward in the first place, i.e., nicotine, chocolate or loving touch of a partner. Dopamine cravings gives one motivation, encouraging them to take action towards getting whatever they need.
In the case of Srečko divorce, the need is his beloved wife and kids. His brain is in expectation of the reward (his partner's validation, acknowledgment, return of love, return to the former status quo of "happily ever after" moments" etc). But the break-up or divorce disrupts the reward system either by delaying it or it never really comes.
The neurons in Srečko's brain expects the same rewards he has been accustomed through out his marriage, neither does the cravings stop, even though he is conscious of the fact that his marriage is over. The neurons keeps him unconsciously in love and addicted to his ex-wife. During the withdrawal stage of separation, Srečko became obsessed with reminiscing about the good and bad times with his family. He started stalking Nadica on social media while resisting the urge to call or text her outside their divorce agreement.
Emotional Symptoms of Grieving
Srečko taught about taking his life to end the emotional torture. There seem nothing to live for, but the thoughts of never seeing his daughters again haunted him. He soon became bed ridden and lost his health. His company eventually let him go because of long absence from work which was a huge financial loss for the private corporation.
The will fight back the tortuous pain left him, along with his lost his self-worth and self-confidence. The sound of romantic music and movies became traumatic triggers. Including seeing couples on the street holding hands and hearing the giggles of children. Srečko retreated into his shell in isolation from the rest of the world.
Physical Symptoms of Grieving
Normal daily routine like getting up from bed, eating, sleeping even thinking straight is disrupted. Other physical symptoms include fatigue, nausea, lowered immunity, weight loss or weight gain, aches and pains.
Transform Pain to into Power
Grieving is personal and there is no bad or good way to do it. The grieving process depends on one's personality type, how significant the loss is viewed, faith,life experiences, and coping style. Grieving is however one of life’s biggest challenges. Getting through the healing process is also personal. Some individuals begin to feel better within weeks or months and others may take years. Cases of individuals using unhealthy ways or taking up risky behaviors to cope is not uncommon. It involves indiscriminate sexual activity, hoarding, excessive shopping, alcohol or drug abuse and self-harming etc. The most extreme case of coping style is taking one's life through suicide.
If you are currently grieving understanding the brain's reactions is normal and that you are not crazy is a big step towards healing. It will also help you become aware of how to deal with self-sabotaging behaviors.
However, you are the only one with the choice to either let the unending pain control you or take charge of it.
However, you are the only one with the choice to either let the unending pain control you or take charge of it.
When every morning gets tougher to get up, it takes every bit of willpower to pull through. If you refuse to quit, every unsteady baby steps to the unknown is a self awakening moment, every moment begins to count, every other moment becomes more precious and empowering. Use your struggling or grieving as teachable moments for self growth and development.
At a point, self- realization begins to set-in. You become more self aware, become more humble and more considerate of yourself and others. Reflections takes you to the 5th stage of grieving, acceptance ( “I’m at peace with what happened)”, making you to take full responsibility for the choices made and the outcomes thereto. Also recognizing that you don't need validation from anyone but yourself and most importantly you start becoming more grateful after noticing how privileged you have been all along because of this new surge of powerful energy and strength to keep going when you thought it was all over.
Nevertheless, If you are there yet and you have lost hope and faith to go on because feel there is no solid support system (friends/family/support group), talk to a therapist right-way.
Willpower is the greatest human strength. Rediscover yours. Never give up your will power.
Nevertheless, If you are there yet and you have lost hope and faith to go on because feel there is no solid support system (friends/family/support group), talk to a therapist right-way.
Willpower is the greatest human strength. Rediscover yours. Never give up your will power.
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